Did you eat at any cool restaurants on your trip? Hey, I just want to make sure you are eating your vegetables. Im actually the boss of that, and I dont want to run my food intake by you anymore, thanks. That means no vegetables, I guess. Responding to specific, objective elements is reasonable, and a good way to keep score if things are getting better or worse. Dear Carolyn: Although we've had sex before, my boyfriend of two years has zero interest in sex with me or anyone else. LW, your bf sounds like my ex bf with the bone deep conviction that you should always be allowed to comment on your sos appearance and choices and exercise and work ethic. What does your therapist say about the way your boyfriend tries to continually act as your self-appointed monitor/life coach? Its like, I am going to have a short break from the environment that is making me so unhappy. One more reason for doing so, as soon as its possible. This is a guy who shuts down when hes mad. When your boyfriend stops expressing his love for you, then it is time you took stock of the situation. Your b/f much to his dismay, perhaps is not the boss of you. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. Honestly the best thing for me was talking with a therapist on my own and learning boundaries (see my comments above). The boyfriend may well not be reasonable. Exactly. I noticed that when I bicycle up hills, a lot of times whatever upset me that day/week/month will start to replay at fever pitch inside my head. Don't ever try to stop them, you need for them to realise they need to stop or cut back. Its always so much easier to see things from an objective perspective when one is looking in from the outside. Hey, when I say, I did X! and you say, Great! (Female ones personally, I havent found this phenomenon to be in any way gendered. My Jerkbrain doesnt do encouraging, whereas it is full of advice for how I can do better, much of it pretty rude. We help each other a ton: I carry the groceries and he holds me and listens when I need it. My ex was low-level abusive, (gaslighting, fake apologising then doing the thing again, blowing up at me when I asked why the thing I has asked not to be done had been done agan). Hell yeah! also: breakfast for dinner is awesome and should be a part of every week Unless you dont want it to be, in which case it shouldnt! He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). Things are a lot better, although sometimes I (or my other partner) have to remind him. Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want to match your effort. I had the same thing with the hubs about soup (soup!) Maybe just focus on the making yourself happy part for now, and your partner can either help or GTFO. He agreed it might help, and I immediately went out and got them and it did help. (To be fair, hes gotten *much* better.). As usual, the Captain gives excellent, clear scripts. Applauding your friends and remembering this one for future use. 4. You still get to decide whether you like him. The Captains comment, For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them) especially rings true for me. Speaking of unconventional food pairings The Peanut-Butter and Bacon sandwich is a surprisingly delicious comfort-food combo (I like to toast the bread and add a dash of worcestershire sauce). Give him some space to take care of his things and do what he needs to do before you start making demands on how much time he should be spending with you or expecting that your relationship will always come first every single time without question. If you cannot help someone, and being with that person is hurting you as well, putting some distance may be the healthiest choice. Not that I care much about LWs BF, but she does. I think he has a lot of ideas about how this is affecting him, directly. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/. NO. Those ultra-logical people can sure be jerks, but theyre not the only ones. You wish your boyfriend was as attentive and loving as he was at the beginning of your relationship. Unfortunately when men give those subtle hints many women don't listen or don't pay attention. He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. Its a power and control thing and points to major issues that he needs to work on himself. avert! So people get made to feel that theyre failing if they have the kind of depression that cant be fixed by green leafy vegetables and jogging (or that they must not want to get well if their depression prevents them from having the energy to cook, exercise, or whatever). He got that. Also, are his goals for you actually about you or are they all about him? Its that he doesnt care about Actual you. YES! Thanks for this post, Captain and LW. Make sure your tone of voice and body language are completely neutral, because if they arent, what you say wont come across as simply wanting information but instead will seem like an attack on his character which could lead you nowhere at all. I have always had trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of not wanting to be comfortable. He cooks and I cook but we never leave the house. I think thats a great suggestion. And exercise does help me it does! . Exercise doesnt always improve my mood sometimes it just provides a distraction/occupation for me so I spend less time ruminating. it doesnt extend to someone elses body/diet/etc, and EVEN IF YOU WERE OKAY WITH THAT or had asked his advice (and you do not ever have to), you still get 50% weight, which is the ability to say Thats nice that you think that, but Ive decided nope. Like others have mentioned, its super uncool and scary when people use logic and reason as an excuse to ignore other peoples feelings, but when they do that, they also ignore the fact that feelings are real factors that need to be taken into consideration. My partner had to learn to adjust to a massive change in our relationship and in me. Or is he blaming his own ambivalence about the relationship on you and your past depression? It's no secret that men aren't eager to discuss feelings. Maybe this will be a huge relief and weight of your boyfriends shoulders once he knows he doesnt have to be responsible for your wellbeing. When Dude just tells you that he knows best for you, that is patronising as fuck. I do find that if Im in a good place, exercise will help jump-start my mood if Im in danger of falling into a depression and it helps maintain my positive mood and energy. My husband is very *actually* logical and reasonable. But in my mind, thats a world away from dismissing the idea of comfort altogether. Usually in the interest of my mental and physical health, but also a little bit because living with someone who has panic attacks can be exhausting especially when they dont always take the best care of themselves (guilty). This is fine isnt good enough when it comes to relationships, IMO. Its all a blur of low-level bad or just unsatisfying, without anything kicking you in the ass to say GET OUT OF THERE. (Side note, I knew Id keep my current partner when, about 3 hours after telling him about how I wanted to be healthier and asking him to help me, he walked in on me stress-eating a peanut-butter and chocolate chip sandwich after a particularly stressful phone call, and his only comment was You know, thatd taste better if you gave it 15 seconds in the microwave. Thats love, folks.). One of the surest ways to find out why he stopped putting in the work is by asking him. When I am at home, I just need to chill out. When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. NOTHING YOU DO IS GOOD ENOUGH! What the fuck? Boyfriend stopped calling me cute pet names. Make sure his action matches whatever he tells you. Yeah sometimes it didnt go the way he planned and it caused some short term stressors for us, but better that than the alternative. what if what if what if?!?! You do most of the calling, talking, buying of gifts, planning dates, visiting, etc. We need a comfortable place to regroup after a challenge, to process the growth, to relax. Theres a bigamist in my family tree he walked out on one family, changed his name and got married again. But that doesnt sound like whats happening here. Ugh, logick-y dudes who want to tell you how to run your life. Controlling me became an end in its own right, because it flattered his ego. Also, as an ex-smoker, I agreed with you on the you cant change other people front. Your current partner sounds amazing based on that one tiny story you shared. To be honest, Im in a long-term relationship with a dude who is otherwise pretty damn great, but occasionally he comments on my wellbeing in a way that gets my back up (like telling me the severity of my issues is getting worse when Im acutely aware that its because Im under stress, or making it out that Im imposing Difficult Family Members on myself when its either manage a difficult visit or not see my family, ever). Independently from what you decide, be aware of that. I dont know your boyfriend, but in my case, I had to say to my fianc outright that I already have a therapist who is doing her job just fine, and this was even harder for him, because part of his job involves providing therapy to students on the autism spectrum. He may have felt too responsible for you, or that he was committed to always look after your needs. He seems to be sorry for everything these days. And if hes not interested in investigating ways to help you were back to Case A: Raging Arsehole. 3) when I said, I walked for twenty minutes today! LW, I agree with a lot of the commentators that this may be an irredeemable situation, but it may help to tell your boyfriend what he can do to help. Probably fish . Theres a lot of power in taking full ownership of the decision to take more autonomy over your choices. But, as I pointed out, were different people. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. It took me FOREVER to figure out, on my own, that a partner who was contributing nothing to the relationship and refused to take steps that would get him on the path to feeling able to contribute, was not someone I needed in my life. "Boyfriend when i first met him was sweet and full of potential. I was in a relationship like this! Stop the "blame game" and examine your part in disputes or conflict. I think this is great advice. Now! He is not interested in you. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, but hes come to the conclusion that, if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. But when you the helper decide on your own that (1) theres a problem and/or (2) you have to be the one to fix it, youre wading into dangerous waters. They write because stuff is horrible and awful and they cant work out how to fix it (without breaking up). (Ive blogged about this a bit and will give you links if you want.) Actual logic is about statements, facts, reasons, not about How Logical I Am. He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too. Except theyre not actually asking YOU whats best for you. is toxic and controlling, and this: Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard., It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. I dont think that his intent upset or control you but a desire for you to do better born from a internal selfishness that it would make his life better or easier. 1. Let me restate, with emphasis: Getting angry at the depressed partner is not good. Or maybe your boyfriend hasnt really been invested from the beginning and what seemed like an effort on his part was simply because he felt obliged to try since you gave him such strong signals early on. The first impression is good and you two exchange numbers. Yeah, he sounds like a lot of bad voices like an A Capella Choir of Angst. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. He was trying to help in similarly pushy ways. This you will have to figure out yourself how long you can wait for them to decide or how much you can put up with or if they ever will. I have an ex my friend refers to as The Physical Manifestation of MellifluousDissents (Formerly) Low Self-Esteem. I suspect this b/f may belong to that club as well. Let me give an example. Even if improvement is made, it wont be enough to him, and he can still be in charge. Maybe it's been a day, or days, or even weeks. Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. I hope that both you and the LW are able to get the unconditional love and actually helpful support you deserve, either in your current relationships or elsewhere. He doesnt seem to be enjoying himself around you anymore now. He certainly doesnt track what Im eating / what exercise I am doing unless I ask him to make me accountable which only happens when I know I need that boot in the bum and cant justify a personal trainer. They are debate tools. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. There will be someone else out there who is willing to make an effort for you. There's no excuse for a relationship where one person does all the initiating, it means the other party is either disinterested or being suffocated by someone who wants a lot more interaction than they do. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. I love it, but it doesnt agree with my boyfriend. Seriously. So, think about how much of this does or does not seem to fit. This! Hooo yes. Even if he were good at this coaching thing (spoiler: hes not), he shouldnt be your coach. i suffer from anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti. 3. 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. You have to like them for what they are (plus a +/- 2(?) Yo! Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? It sounds like BF is unhappy with the relationship, but feels like LW has it in her control to make the relationship better, so he is taking it out on her for not being the idealized version of herself. The human incarnation of depression is just what I was thinking. What really helped was finding a partner with previous SI issues who said Do what you need to do to feel better. I should have left him at various points throughout the relationship but I just didnt see how bad it was until I had the vantage of hindsight. But I didnt realize just how miserable his misery was making me until it got to the point where I was rolling my eyes at him and dismissing comments (not always out loud, but sometimes) as being stupid or idiotic. It wasnt until a few months of this that I realized just how acutely disrespectful my words and actions were, and it took another few weeks before I finally put together that continuing to live with someone for whom Id lost all respect wasnt doing either one of us any favors. Its still really hard to not jump in, but I think those sessions with the therapist made me a much better partner. I became severely physically disabled in my early twenties. Prioritize on how to deal with your boyfriend and setting boundaries, because I know from experience, it can tear down your progress in a flash. I am so glad you realize that they are NOT your due. I usually agree with our captain, but this time I see all those scripts as an exercise in trying to change him into a reasonable boyfriend even as hes trying to change you into someone who eats her vegetables. Because this literally never means My partner likes to get all the information about a problem before trying to solve it, or S/he really likes to do her/his research about an issue. I wholeheartedly agree. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. I cringe whenever I think about how unfair and how disrespectful I was to him, and how much time we wasted together when we each could have been in other situations (partnered or not) that would have been more fulfilling. There can even be some of both this and the previous issue mixed together, because real people (even ones who use lots of reason) can have conflicting and complex emotions. After that I dated someone briefly who dismissed everything thing I pointed to as evidence of our vast incompatibility with the shibboleth that relationships take work! Yes, they do take tending and attention, but working on our relationship isnt going to fix things like your habit of borrowing money from me and never paying it back or getting angry when I need time alone. In some cases, he may have been enjoying chasing you more than having caught you. He wants me to exercise more, eat healthier, help out more with the cleaning, and take better care of myself. If a guy doesnt offer to pay, he doesnt care about impressing you. This may also disarm any exes who set out to be hostile. Having a life outside of your relationship is important for both parties. Excessively monitoring and correcting a partner (with the silent treatment, no less!) Its something weve learned. I have a friend who often makes himself go to social outings, because hes noticed the pattern within himself that he usually feels like bailing and not going when an event is about to happen, but if he makes himself go, he usually has a good time and is glad that he did. Most men and women are very different, and relating to someone who is very different from you takes patience. Like the Captain said, if it helps you have the conversation, totally go for it. A lot of people who have disabilities end up with serious social problems, at least for a while, as they have to figure out which people will still treat them well and which will cause them problems in all sorts of new ways. Hi LW I havent read through the comments yet, so maybe this has been covered (probably it has, the Awkwardeers are brilliant), but I couldnt not weigh in on this because I have been where you are and it sucks, and now I am somewhere else where it sucks a whole lot less, so if you dont mind, perhaps a view from the other side would be helpful? Friend, I miss you and Id love to see your face. I am going to assume that dude loves you and just wants to help you get better because he knows you want to get better. If you give him space, make yourself busy and happy. I told him that, he asked me what he should do instead, and I couldnt answer him. She will ask me to do things like remove sharp objects from her living space, check in to make sure shes eating, wake her up in the morning when shes unlikely to get up on her own, phone her psychiatrist to give info/updates about how shes doing, and so on. That person is more invested in control and in being right than in respecting you. Before my last relationship ended I spent *a lot* of time online reading advice and trying to fix stuff. When I look back, I wonder, why did I ever even get in his car without making him tell me a destination? 3. Emotions are *who we are* and theres no such thing as a feeling or desire that is incorrect or illegitimate. . It was tough (and frankly weird) for a bit, but he stopped and were fine. Oh, LW, my heart is breaking for you. That person is going to be psyched by evidence that you are capable and willing to chart your own course, and think, Hey, my partner must be feeling better, since they have their shit under control. What causes these fights in the first place? You are doing exactly what you need to do, and do not need to do more because someone else says so. Hopefully asking questions like this would help suss that out. Emotional detachment. Terrified. The only script I know of for remarks like that is What did you just say to me? 3. There are way to many variables and we dont have all the information and the rules arent always consistent so we cant treat every situation like a puzzle with a clear solution. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable., are moreRed Flags. (not so much my mother. LW, as someone who struggles with depression with a spouse who struggles with depression, heres what concerns me about your letter: Your boyfriend is expecting you to be accountable to a list of tasks hes set, rather than treating you with compassion and helping you help yourself. Then perhaps from there they can move towards leaving. And should usually comes from a not so great place. He then believes that if you simply were to do the right things then he would get what he wants. and telling you this what you need to do to feel better, and if my suggestion doesnt fix you, theres something wrong with you is not something he is entitled to do, and the same goes for playing therapist without your consent. The way I look at it, there is a big difference between someone who has decided they need to push you to be your Best Self (which is often their idea of your Best Self), whether or not you want/need/that kind of help is healthy for you, and someone whose support and encouragement lets you push yourself towards being what your own idea of your Best Self is. When its not great, things like this are no longer handled delicately If hes yelling at you over small things, there is no way his head is still in it. I suppose you could try announcing that youre going to change him into someone who doesnt do things he has specifically and repeatedly been told to stop doing, in his intimate relationships, even if you have to drag him kicking and screaming into The Land Of Getting Hip, but honestly, that comment above is an infinitely bigger red flag than any number of questions about your broccoli intake. Hell, take steps to meet some new people anyway. 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