Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. Its over the top. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. Laura Hope I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. demoiselle I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. Well. Thats on you. From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. However, my husband isnt like that at all. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. I like to relax at home. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. It doesnt scream big problem to me. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. a lot of people just arent that way. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. They arent her parents. Yeah.. Too much info missing. Does that make sense? It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. John Rohan January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. GatorGirl it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? And if they live together. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. 14 years ago. My parents have an awesome house with a huge yard with bike, 4 wheelers, space for baseball, a pool, tennis court (now I sound spoiled)if we lived close enough Id rather hang at their house than our little apartment. Thatll probably shut them up. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. You arent happy and yet you stay. And next weekend. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. Is it a deal breaker? Which is totally fine for you. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. A picnic in the park? January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. it was just a sort of tradition. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. But, youre not single now. Lemongrass For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. . One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. 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